With today being Sol Invictus, I thought it appropriate to state why I celebrate Christmas. People may thing that as a non-believer that I would find Christmas offensive and possibly sabotage Nativity scenes around town. Nothing could be farther from the truth. I do not find Christmas offensive and I certainly would not damage someone else’s property, for I would not want them damaging mine.
I don’t find Christmas offensive in the same way I do not find Halloween offensive. They were both originally quaint pagan holidays that were co-opted by the Church during their campaign to “spread” Christianity to the unwashed masses. In modern times, these holidays have been co-co-opted by the new religion of Corporatism and made into massive profit making ventures. I, for one, have absolutely no problem with this. What I find offensive are these people trying to put Christian religion into Christmas. Infidels!
Delving further into the traditions in the modern Christmas holiday, we find:
- Santa Claus: An invisible fat white man that is able to penetrate the security defenses of any domicile and leave gifts using Magic. He also is able to consume mass quantities of warm milk and cookies in one night without the use of antacids. He knows the actions of all boys and girls and renders judgment upon them. His ability to visit all houses around the world in one night requires breaking the Laws of Physics. Kinda sounds like God, doesn’t he? He allows us to demonstrate the folly in beliefs in omnipotent invisible beings.
- The Tree: The decaying corpse of a once living, oxygen producing life form, propped up in the house and dressed in the height of Christmas tree fashion - lights, ornaments, garland. More adventurous accoutrements include popcorn strings and fake icicles. A star, angel, or other supernatural being is placed as a crown. Over time, the needles drop to the floor for convenient cleanup. I can’t stand Christmas trees. I mean, I can’t stand REAL Christmas trees. In keeping with the modern tradition, only a fake plastic tree should be used. Real trees harken back to darker times of slavery and witch burnings. The faker the better. Bonus points for fake snow on the fake tree. Warning: eating fake snow may cause hallucinations - like actually seeing Santa and/or God.
- Gifts: Receiving gifts has got to be the best attribute of this holiday. When we were kids, we all remember waking up early to go to the tree. We would see all these gifts, just waiting to be decimated. Then we run get the parental unit(s). What excitement! We tore into the gifts, played with each one for 3 nanoseconds, then move on to the next gift. After opening all the gifts, we find the one gift we really liked and settle down to serious playtime.
Now that we have grown up, the scene differs a little: we are woken up by hyperactive kids, dragged into the room where the gifts are located, and are hassled into helping distribute gifts even before coffee can be made. The gifts we receive are invariably things that we need, which means they are things we don’t want. Eventually, we have to clean up the F-5 destruction that has happened, then have to calm down, clean up everyone and possibly pile into a car and see family that we don’t really want to see.
Best gift to give: money. No, not a Gift Card. Gift Cards require one to have to go to the sore. They are only acceptable if it can be used online. Otherwise, cold hard cash. - Caroling: Get off my lawn!
- Eggnog: Milk and bourbon. What more to say? Nutritious, bone building, and with the added depressant effects of alcohol. Nothing offensive here. Eggnog with out bourbon? Blasphemous and disgusting after one cup’s worth.
- Fruitcake: The food served in the Christian Hell, where God sends all the people He Loves.
- A Christmas Story: Marathons of this awesome movie. Top ten funniest movie of all time, and the #1 Christmas movie ever. FUDGE.
As we can see, overall the Christmas Holiday is the one time a year where people try to be nice to other people they normally don’t give two cents about. Plus it is usually a great boon to our economy. What can be wrong with that?
So, Merry Christmas to everyone!
